For the past few weeks I’ve really been struggling with my show prep. I was still getting in all my work outs, still eating on my meal plan and looking great. Unfortunately, the mental game was taking a huge toll on me. Before I go any further, I want to say if you compete, I’m not hating on you or the sport. I actually have A LOT of respect for your dedication and hard work. But I feel very strongly about the reason why I decided to not to get on stage. Here they are:
1.) The Mental Game
Here’s the deal. Body building is purely aesthetics. When it is time to get on stage it’s not about who can jump higher or run faster, it is literally about if you look better than the person standing next to you. Comparison is the thief of all joy. And boy was it stealing mine! I never consider myself to be insecure about my body. Sure I had a few things that I didn’t like or wanted to work on. But I always rocked a tiny bikini on the beach and didn’t think twice about it. With bikini prep I started obsessing about my body! I found myself week by week looking at progress pictures comparing picture to picture, trying to see the improvements. “So are my glutes looking better? Are my shoulders starting to pop more? Am I too lean too soon? Am I too small? Am I too big?” The body checking was endless. It is also hard to compare myself to others competitors. I love social media BUT it can also be a slippery slope. With one #npcbikini search I found myself comparing myself to strangers! “Does she look better than me?” Oh, I look better than her. Her butt is waaayyy better than mine but my abs are better than hers.” It is mentally exhausting.
Food was also becoming an obsession. Let me tell you, I am an 80/20 girl all the way! For the most part I eat healthy. Monday thru Friday is it mostly all clean, whole foods. But if it’s a Friday night and I want to order a pizza…I do and I don’t think twice about. I am NOT the girl who brings a kale salad to a BBQ. While in bikini prep it was 100/100! Every ounce of food is measured out, every stock of asparagus counted, and Heaven forbid if you finished off the rest of your daughter’s PB&J! It honestly felt disordered and extremely restricting to me. And we all know what happens when you “can’t” have something….you want it twenty times more! If I did cave and have something that I shouldn’t have, I felt insanely guilty! I felt like I needed to do extra cardio to burn off the chick-fil-a waffle fries that I downed in seconds. On a side note, why are chick-fil-a waffle fries sooooo good?!? I mean….seriously good! I’ve never felt that “food guilt” before OR craved junk food so badly than I did when in bikini prep!
Comparing and food obsessing caused me to always be in stuck in my own head about my next meal or how many carbs I ate or didn’t eat, Or how it was going to make me look tomorrow.( I can’t see my ab veins today, must’ve had too many carbs.) It was almost to the point where I wasn’t talking to my husband as much because I was so stuck in my own head thinking about this process!
In my first blog post about starting the show prep I stated that my family is and will always be my number one priority. I’m ashamed to say that they were slowly starting to slide into second place, especially my husband. So there I am, asking my husband 100 different questions on if my body is improving, if I’m posing like I should or if I look good in my suit, then getting mad at him for not giving me the “right” answer! It would go something like this:
Me: I feel heavy today. Do I look bigger today than I did yesterday?
Jerett: Uhhhh… I don’t think so… I think you look great!
Me: Yeah but do I look fluffier today?
Jerett: No, you look good.
Me: But can you see definition like you could last week?
Jerett: I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell.
Me: It’s hard to tell or it’s hard to tell me the truth?!
Jerett: I DON’T KNOW! YOU LOOK GREAT! STOP IT!
And then we would spend the rest of the night not speaking and awkwardly sitting on the couch scrolling through facebook. So there I was, mad at a man that I love and who loves me, because of instead of answering the am I fluffy question, he was telling me I look great but I wasn’t hearing it! I know… straight up crazy town! I was turning into someone I didn’t like and it had to stop. I find it funny that even though this is the best shape I’ve been in, it’s also the most critical I’ve been on myself. That’s not cool.
2.) THE MONEY
When I started this journey I was told that this is an expensive sport. It didn’t hit home until it hit the wallet. By the grace of God, I live in a good home, we have two cars, our bills are always paid and there is always food in the fridge. Sometimes we can spend a little extra on fun stuff and sometimes we can’t…but we are by no means poppin’ bottles in the club. There is no way that I can justify the amount of money that I would have to paid in order to continue. Grab your calculator because we are going to add it all up together, yall!
NPC card: $120
Show Registration: $160
Spray Tan: $120
Makeup: $150 (my bridal make up cost less than that!)
Grand total: $811
(Can someone please point me to the money tree?
And that’s not including what I paid for coaching, food and the suit!
This is my thought process: Ok so I’m going to spend $811 to get on stage (depleted, hungry and thirsty) for someone to judge my body…..compare me other girls……then tell me what I need to work on…??? Why don’t I just stop this madness, keep my $811 dollars and start listening when the man that I love tells me I’m beautiful? And that’s EXACTLY what I’m going to do.
I get it! I get it! I get it! This is a “sport.” People compete in these show for many different personal reasons. Hey, that’s cool! I ain’t mad at ya! Do yo thang!
Before I came to my final decision, I went back and read my first blog about this. In that blog I said that I want to do this to 1.) Take my fitness to the next level. 2.) Gain experience so I could possibly coach girls through this process.
I feel good about ending this journey now because I did take my fitness to the next level! I love the changes that I’m seeing and I feel strong. I’m done being overly critical about my progress and don’t need to a judge or a trophy to affirm the work that I’m putting into my body. I feel that I have gain experience as a personal trainer (I trained myself) BUT I’ve learned that I don’t want to be a prep coach. Speaking of coaches….I have to give a big shout out to my coach Dez Crowe! Thank you for keeping it real with me and your strength and wisdom. Annnnddd not hitting me when I told you in the gym parking lot that I was NOT getting on stage 1 weeks and 6 days out!
So there it is! I’m officially a bikini competition drop out. You can call me a quitter, or say I don’t have what it takes, but at the end of the day the only opinions that I care about are God’s, my husband’s and my sweet baby girl’s.
Don’t think I’m going anywhere! I have a TON of awesome workouts that I can’t wait to share with yall!